If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
