What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
