I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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