Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
the day after is always just damage control
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
