grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
