oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
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