Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
the condom got lost in my hair
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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