Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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