Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
