He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
