i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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