I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
