when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
