You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
