I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
