dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Every concussion has its silver lining
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Randomize
