My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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