put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
