I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
