Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
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