how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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