So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
