i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
