Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Dignity is for republicans.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize