WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
