I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
