sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
