and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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