omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
