fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
