nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
