the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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