o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
