I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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