We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
