My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
