you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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