i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
