wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
