wat bout pragnant strippers??
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
