Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
