Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
