I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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