Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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