How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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