ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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