he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
May the power of my ass compel you!!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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