something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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