y did u give ur computer a hand job?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
