Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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