were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
