he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Randomize
