I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
