The best revenge is premature balding
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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