your parents love me but you hate me
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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