this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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