My sheets look like a crime scene.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
