Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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