I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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