i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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