if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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