guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
