Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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