I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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