I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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