Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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