i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
