as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
