but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
