God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
